Lying alone, motionless in constant motion in my bed,

My bedroom brightly lit as I lie in complete darkness.

The TV blares silently from across the room.

I lie between the infinite abyss of doom and the vast mountain of hope.

Day after day, I ponder my choices.

Escape into the bottomless pit,

Battle my way up the paths of the steep mountain,

Remain in my bed, paralyzed by despair, guilt, and shame.

Day after day, I ponder, I remain motionless.

The abyss is terrifying, I can’t see the bottom.

The mountain is terrifying, I can’t see the top.

My paralysis is safe, and yet I am terrified.

The pain is unbearable as I approach the abyss.

One leap of faithlessness and the pain will cease.

Too scared to jump, I slowly descend.

I wait impatiently to be overwhelmed by unconsciousness.

The pain will end at least for me, how selfish I have become.

Before the end comes, I ascend from the pit.

This is not where the answer lies.

The subtle shocks reset my mind.

The mountain of hope no longer terrifies me.

The path is winding and fraught with pitfalls.

I find faith to work my way up the mountain.

I find faith to live again.

This is an article that was written by a friend of mine about my involvement with the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI).  For anyone who is in need of support, for any family member or caregiver who needs somewhere to turn, please find your local NAMI affiliate at http://www.nami.org.

In Our Own Voice: What does NAMI mean to our loved ones?

Meet Robert Gray. He is courageous, smart, and a board member for NAMI Cobb. He is also Team Captain for the Cobb County Stigma Busters and happens to live with depression. He is husband to an absolutely amazing wife and father of 4 wonderful children, including triplets. He is an eloquent story teller and has much to offer in the spirit of helping others. He is a walking, talking, breathing example of a person who chooses to fight for his recovery and balance his love of family, community outreach and work.

Recently, NAMI Northside sat down with Robert to learn more about his road to recovery.

Ever since I was a young boy, I always knew something was wrong. I knew I could be happier but I wasn’t. I never felt good enough and couldn’t give myself credit for what I had achieved. I convinced myself that being unhappy was normal. I lived with this notion throughout my high school & college years and into my marriage…basically my entire life.

During a time when I should’ve been enthusiastic and more devoted to my family, I simply wasn’t. My inability to cope with depression and my addiction to the internet reached a horrible turning point in my life and marriage. I became a different person and put my wife through hell. She said to me, “I will not let you bring our family down.” That was in 1998 and is also when I received my one and only round of Electroconvulsive Therapy (ECT) treatment.

Back then, I had no idea support groups even existed, nor that there were others who felt as I did. For the longest time, I thought I was alone. I realize now that I’m not and want others to recognize that they’re not alone either. Others should know that eventually, I would embrace feelings of comfort and empathy by merely attending my support group meetings. Participation in these meetings marked another milestone in my life – a gift that only I could give myself.

I am new to NAMI and am quickly realizing the incredible impact NAMI has in our community. Programs and initiatives such as Family Support Group Meetings and Family-to-Family Education classes play an important role in fighting stigma; helping others and fighting stigma are important to me. I want people to understand that I’m not less of a giving person because of my illness. I didn’t ask for depression and just because I have it doesn’t mean I can’t help my community. I simply have to care for my situation just like a person who is diagnosed with diabetes has to care for theirs. NAMI helps me do just that – helps me and helps others to realize that there is hope.

Thank you, Robert – for sharing your story and helping others.

Saturday, September 22 was the Shabbat between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.  Rosh Hashanah is the Jewish New Year and Yom Kippur is the Day of Atonement.  During this time of year, we become very introspective as we consider how we lived our lives during the past year and the sins for which we ask forgiveness.  It is a time when we ask God to inscribe our names into the Book of Life for another year.  We hope that we will be better human beings in the year to come.

According to http://www.chabad.org, “the Shabbat between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur is called Shabbat Shuvah, Shabbat of Return because its special haftarah reading begins with the words Shuvah Yisrael ‘Return O Israel’, from the prophecy of Hoshea. It is also referred to as Shabbat Shuvah because it falls during the Ten Days of Repentance.” “The Shabbat was given to Israel as a time for Torah study and prayer, and, although one should always take care not to pass the time idly or in inappropriate conversation, on Shabbat Shuvah one should be especially careful to concentrate entirely on Torah, prayer, and reflection on repentance, thereby attaining forgiveness for whatever unfitting behavior may have marred other Sabbaths.”

During the reading of the haftarah, I was studying the English translation.  The use of words in the Torah and the Haftorahs is absolutely fascinating.  I sometimes think that, thousands of years ago, when these verses were written, there were sages with senses of humor similar to mine, who decided to use certain words and phrases so people today would wonder about the significance of these choices.  For example, in the Haforah for Shabbat Shuvah there is a line which begins (in English transliteration) “Ayrpah m’shuvatam”.  The translation provided for these two words was “I will heal their affliction”.  I wondered what the affliction was, especially, since m’shuvatam has the same root as the word shuvah (as in Shabbat Shuvah), which means return.  I did some research and found out that another meaning for m’shuvatam is “backsliding”.  When I saw this, I was filled with awe.  I suddenly felt my true meaning of affliction, repentance, sinning, forgiveness, the true meaning of the holiday season.

During our High Holiday services, we ask for forgiveness several times and hit our heart with a fist for each transgression.  Often, these transgressions appear in a list of Hebrew words from Aleph to Tov (A to Z, Alpha to Omega).  I often feel as if I am going through the motions and not truly feeling like I am asking for forgiveness.  Did I really commit all of these transgressions?  What about the ones that aren’t in the list?  And, I never really like it when people say things like “If I have done anything to you in the last year, please forgive me”.  But backsliding, now that is something that resonates with me.

I try very hard to improve myself, to have better habits, to be a better husband, father, brother, employee, coach, guide.  I realize that I am a procrastinator and a perfectionist with low self-esteem.  That combination often results in paralysis.  I am afraid to try because I’m afraid it will be wrong so I think a lot and do little.  I struggle to break the bonds of depression.  Some days are good and some not so good.  I battle my internal debates about my faith in God.  Some days I believe, some I don’t, and some I am just stuck in the middle.

I don’t always have the discipline to make a new habit.  I don’t always follow my own advice.  I don’t always maintain my momentum.  I know better but I don’t always do better.

Heal my affliction.  I am repentant and I ask forgiveness.  Every day, please let me find the strength to battle my inner demons, to maintain positive momentum, to continue my road to recovery, to inspire others, to live a full life, to be all that I can be.  Amen.

I’ve been thinking a lot about change.  Over the past few years, I have changed many things about my life.  I started to think positively about myself and my place in the world.  I decided to lose weight and 85 pounds melted away.  I decided to try my hand (well, feet) at running.  I eventually completed a half-marathon.  I wanted to become involved in mental health and now I am on the executive board of NAMI-Cobb, speaking in public and learning to be a support group facilitator.  Change is possible.  Change is achievable.  Change is real.  But I am having trouble sustaining some of these changes.  Sustaining change means developing new habits.  So why am I having trouble with these new habits?

I think part of the problem is that the old habits are comfortable and familiar.  The new habits are outside of my comfort zone and it takes time, effort, and work to keep up with them.  It’s easy to slide backwards.  When it comes to how to spend my time, I feel like I need to schedule my time so I know what I will be doing and when.  Walk before work, exercise after work, write after dinner, read before bed.  I may stick to this for a few days and then I slip.  I think to myself that I don’t want to be a robot, a slave to the clock.  I want to write when I feel like writing, read when I feel like reading.  I reject the idea of being a robot.  I don’t want to do follow a routine.

Well, guess what?  I am following a routine anyway.  I get up in the morning and go to work.  I get home and walk the dog.  I have dinner.  Then I sit in front of the TV, watching something I have probably seen before, with the laptop on my lap.  I keep up with people on Facebook.  I check my email.  Then it’s time for bed.  So I am a robot after all, following my programming each day and wondering when I will be re-programmed.   Unfortunately, Doctor Noonien Soong will not be showing up to change out my chips.  It’s not that easy.

But I have changed my habits before.  I know how to do it.  The program is somewhere in my brain.  I just need to find the motivation to reboot myself.   I just have to find that burning desire and the discipline to make it happen.

Who says I don’t like being a robot?  I am a robot.

We have just celebrated Rosh Hashanah ushering in the year 5773.  The days prior to Yom Kippur are known as The Days of Awe.  This is a time of great introspection, which is one of my strong points.  When it comes to ruminating and trying to figure myself out, I think I’ve got the market cornered.

This is also a time for teshuvah.  Some texts use the word “repentance” as the English translation.  However, the root word from which we get the word teshuvah means to turn.  During The Days of Awe, I usually think a lot about how I lived my life during the past year and how I can improve.  I think about my feelings, my thoughts, my actions, my words.  I think about how I could have been a better person, a better husband, a better father, a better employee.  I ask God for forgiveness and to be inscribed in the Book of Life for another year.  And, in the synagogue, I recite the prayers, lightly hit my heart with my fist for each sin, and ask to be pardoned.

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about habits.  I have also studied habits.  I have many habits which I would like to replace with other habits.  I get frustrated when my intentions to change my habits fail.  I keep trying but it is really hard for this old dog to learn new tricks.  As I thought about changing my habits, it occurred to me that teshuvah is really all about changing habits.  If you are like me, you probably have been asking for forgiveness for many of the same things from one year to the next.  So, I did a little research on teshuvah and habits.

Chabad.org has an “Ask the Rabbi” site where someone asked if teshuvah is meaningless or insincere if the same mistake is repeated.  Rabbi Yisroel Cotlar responded by saying that, since we are all humans, it is always possible that we will mess up again.  But, if we continue to fail in our attempts, then it is time to re-examine teshuvah.

Rabbi Cotlar writes:

“Teshuvah, on its most basic level, consists of two ingredients: a) Remorse for the bad that was done. b) Resolving never to do the offensive act again.”

“The first component of teshuvah is relatively easy. It’s natural to feel regret over misdeeds and missed opportunities. The second ingredient, however, is more difficult. A pledge to improve often grows weaker by the day. The resolution doesn’t always have the wherewithal to resist strong impulses and ingrained habits. Something more than a simple resolution is needed.”

“If a string snaps, a regular knot will not be enough to keep the two pieces together again. A double knot is required. The same holds true with teshuvah. Every sin snaps the “string” that connects a Jew with his Creator. A single-knot, i.e. a simple pledge to never commit the sin again, may not endure. A double knot must be used.”

“Don’t merely pledge to stop insulting others. Begin praising them! Try to find qualities in the very same people you feel like mocking. Go on the offense and create a teshuvah that will endure…”

Incidentally, the area on a string that is double knotted is thicker, stronger, and more difficult to cut than an area that has never snapped before!”

I love the analogy of the double-knotted string being stronger than the string that has never snapped!  It is the failures, the fight, the struggle, the pain, that makes us strong.

Shana Tovah and use The Days of Awe to turn.

Shalom.

On March 3, I wrote an article called The Importance of a Name (https://positivethink49.wordpress.com/2012/03/03/the-importance-of-a-name/).

In this article, I wrote about my Hebrew name Sinai and the reason my parents selected that name for me.  I remember my parents telling me that my godfather, who had only a daughter, wanted someone to carry on his father’s name.  He asked my parents if they would give me the name Sinai in memory of his father and they agreed.  That was all I know about the history of my name, until today.

Through the magic of Facebook, I found out that my older brother had become friends with my godfather’s daughter.  The last time I saw her was about 45 years ago.  I don’t even remember when it was.  I decided to send her a message and I asked her if she remembered me.  She replied that she did remember me (of course) and that we should keep in touch.  So we became Facebook friends.

We have had some conversations about our lives and I asked her if she wanted to read some of my writing.  I sent her the link to my blog and I asked her to read the article about my name.  After reading the article, she sent me a message which touched me deeply.  She said, “Robert, I remember well when you were given my grandfather’s name Sinai, and how very proud my father was that the name would be carried on.  My grandfather was a wonderful man, and I know he would be proud that you have his name.”

I am also very proud to carry on the name Sinai.  L’dor v’dor – From generation to generation.

A few days ago, I had a conversation, well, a Facebook conversation, with a friend of mine.  We don’t know each other well but I have learned a great deal about her, and from her.  She is a professor, a poet, and a coach.  She posts some pretty cool things on Facebook and she often will comment on things that I post.  So, the other day, when I was feeling a bit down, I messaged her to chat about meditation and positive thinking.  After our chat, she left me with an assignment.  She asked me to tell her what action I was now going to take.  I told her I would write down 5 things that I like about myself.  I have been doing that for the last 3 days but I am also writing things I am grateful for.

Gratitude is something I have been working on a lot.  I find that when I run, if I think about things I am grateful for, I run better.  My pains go away and my running becomes easier.  My rhythm becomes more consistent and sometimes, I even smile.  I figured that writing my feelings of gratitude in the morning may help me to have a better day.  And, so far, it has been working.

I was curious about the power of gratitude so I poked around the Internet and found a very cool article about Gratitude Journals.  There is evidence that Gratitude Journals can be effective ways to increase happiness, improve sleep, and reduce the incidence of illness.  Evidence also exists that indicates that these journals don’t always work.  Professor Robert Emmons from UC-Davis suggests the following tips for success:

• Don’t just go through the motions
• Go for depth over breadth
• Get personal
• Try subtraction, not just addition
• Savor surprise
• Don’t overdo it

Professor Emmons suggests that there is no one right way or best way to keep a journal.  The secret to success is to just do it and establish a habit.  Sounds familiar, doesn’t it?  I think it is a law of human behavior.

For more information about Gratitude Journals, check out http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/tips_for_keeping_a_gratitude_journal.

As an avid reader of self-help books and articles, I have often run into the term S.M.A.R.T. goals.  The acronym stands for Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, and Timely.  Not only have I seen this in the literature, I have even used the concept of S.M.A.R.T. goals in some of the classes and sessions I have led in my business career.  So it is only natural to assume that I use S.M.A.R.T. goals all the time in my personal life.

Yeah, right.

Yesterday, I posted a blog about insanity in which I defined insanity as expecting the same results I once achieved without doing the things that are necessary to achieve them.  I realized that the main reason for my insanity was that I was setting D.U.M.B goals.  Drastic, Unattainable, Moronic, and Brainless.

Sounds like a recipe for failure, frustration, and a lousy attitude.  It’s time to rethink my goals, be kind to myself, and give myself a chance to be successful again.

I think that is a S.M.A.R.T. idea, don’t you.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different result.  This definition of insanity is attributed to Albert Einstein and I have certainly used it a few times in my day.  I have also been a role model for it.

I would like to propose a modified definition which has applied to me for almost a year now.  Here it is:

Insanity: Expecting the same results I once achieved without doing the things that are necessary to achieve them.

Case in point.  Last year, I finished the Atlanta Half Marathon on Thanksgiving Day.  It was the most amazing thing I had ever accomplished.  I never ever dreamed that I could do something like that.  When I first started walking, I wasn’t thinking about 13.1 miles.  First it was walking laps, then jogging 1 lap, then 2, then 3, and so on.  Then I took my act on the roads and began training for a 5K.  Then a 10K.  And then, the idea of 13.1 miles became realistic.  I found a wonderful training program and I stuck to it like glue.  And on Thanksgiving Day, I achieved my goal.

Then, I took some time away from running.  I fell back into my old ways and I gained weight.  Every now and then, I would lace up the shoes and go for a run but my head, and my heart were just not into it.  My legs would ache, my knee would hurt, and that drive I had to just keep going was gone.  Well, of course it was gone!  My muscles were out of shape.  My attitude was in the dumps.  And, I would just get frustrated and down on myself.

So tonight, I decided to lace up the running shoes again and go out for a walk.  Just like old times when I first started training.  Man, it felt so good!  I walked at a fast pace, attacking the hills, feeling strong.  I am going to walk every day and work my way back into running shape.  Pretty smart, don’t you think?  No more insanity.  Now why did it take so long?

This past weekend, I had the privilege to participate in a class to prepare me to be an In Our Own Voice (IOOV) presenter.  The class was led by two trainers from the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) in Georgia.  I recently became active in NAMI of Cobb County and this was my first exposure to any of the training programs.

According to the NAMI website, IOOV is a unique public education program developed by NAMI, in which two trained consumer speakers share compelling personal stories about living with mental illness and achieving recovery.  IOOV presentations are given to consumer groups, students, law enforcement officials, educators, providers, faith community members, politicians, professionals, inmates, and interested civic groups.  The goals of IOOV are to meet the need for consumer-run initiatives, to set a standard for quality education about mental illness from those who have been there, to offer genuine work opportunities, to encourage self-confidence and self-esteem in presenters, and to focus on recovery and the message of hope.

Although I was eager to become an IOOV presenter, I was nervous about this training.  I knew that I would have to stand up in front of total strangers and talk about my story of depression.  I have been doing a lot of writing about my illness and I have become very open about it.  But this felt different.  I felt different.  I looked around the room at these people who have fought mental illness.  I listened to their stories.  And I felt different.

Most of the people in the room were quite a bit younger than I am.  Some of the people had been in jail or prison.  I never was.  Some of the people had never really lived on their own yet.  I have a wife and four children and live in a nice subdivision. Some did not have experience with public speaking.   I have conducted many training classes and made countless presentations.  Some have been hospitalized many times.  I was only hospitalized twice.  These people are not like me.  I am not like them.

As the class progressed, we spoke about how we came to accept our respective illnesses.  As I jotted my notes to prepare for my presentation, a thought came to me that was like an awakening.  I thought to myself, “I have not totally accepted my illness”.  Yes I had depression, yes I was treated, yes I recovered, yes I am better.  I know all that.  But I still have this disbelief in my head.  Did I really do all of the things that led to my severe depression?  Did I really stay in my bed all day for weeks and months?  Did I really almost lose my family?  And even if I did, I’m better now.  I’m not depressed anymore, right?  I work every day.  I have become active.  I think positively.  It’s been such a long time since my major depressive episode.  I’m OK now.  I’m not like these people.

Then I discovered that all of these things I do now, such as running and thinking positively, are part of my coping skills.  Every one of us in the room has a number of things we do to cope with our illness.  Some people meditate, some have a strong support system, some journal every day.  All of us have good days and bad days.  All of us do what we can to have more good ones than bad ones. And then, I discovered that all of us have hopes and dreams.  We all want a great life for ourselves and our families.  We all want to eradicate the stigma of mental illness.  And we all want to give back, to help others who are in pain, to educate the public, to advocate for those who suffer, to repair the world.

After two days, I am now prepared to be an IOOV presenter.  I am looking forward to my first presentation.  But I learned so much more from these two days.  I learned that I am not different.  I have a mental illness.  I cope with it every day.  I have had bad times. I have good times.  I have hopes and dreams. I want to help wherever I can.

The class is over and I have several new friends now.  The ones who were in prison, the ones who didn’t get a chance to go to school, the ones who don’t live on their own, they are all my friends, my community, my family.  They are NAMI.  I am NAMI.  We are NAMI, and we are better together.