Repentance

Saturday, September 22 was the Shabbat between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.  Rosh Hashanah is the Jewish New Year and Yom Kippur is the Day of Atonement.  During this time of year, we become very introspective as we consider how we lived our lives during the past year and the sins for which we ask forgiveness.  It is a time when we ask God to inscribe our names into the Book of Life for another year.  We hope that we will be better human beings in the year to come.

According to http://www.chabad.org, “the Shabbat between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur is called Shabbat Shuvah, Shabbat of Return because its special haftarah reading begins with the words Shuvah Yisrael ‘Return O Israel’, from the prophecy of Hoshea. It is also referred to as Shabbat Shuvah because it falls during the Ten Days of Repentance.” “The Shabbat was given to Israel as a time for Torah study and prayer, and, although one should always take care not to pass the time idly or in inappropriate conversation, on Shabbat Shuvah one should be especially careful to concentrate entirely on Torah, prayer, and reflection on repentance, thereby attaining forgiveness for whatever unfitting behavior may have marred other Sabbaths.”

During the reading of the haftarah, I was studying the English translation.  The use of words in the Torah and the Haftorahs is absolutely fascinating.  I sometimes think that, thousands of years ago, when these verses were written, there were sages with senses of humor similar to mine, who decided to use certain words and phrases so people today would wonder about the significance of these choices.  For example, in the Haforah for Shabbat Shuvah there is a line which begins (in English transliteration) “Ayrpah m’shuvatam”.  The translation provided for these two words was “I will heal their affliction”.  I wondered what the affliction was, especially, since m’shuvatam has the same root as the word shuvah (as in Shabbat Shuvah), which means return.  I did some research and found out that another meaning for m’shuvatam is “backsliding”.  When I saw this, I was filled with awe.  I suddenly felt my true meaning of affliction, repentance, sinning, forgiveness, the true meaning of the holiday season.

During our High Holiday services, we ask for forgiveness several times and hit our heart with a fist for each transgression.  Often, these transgressions appear in a list of Hebrew words from Aleph to Tov (A to Z, Alpha to Omega).  I often feel as if I am going through the motions and not truly feeling like I am asking for forgiveness.  Did I really commit all of these transgressions?  What about the ones that aren’t in the list?  And, I never really like it when people say things like “If I have done anything to you in the last year, please forgive me”.  But backsliding, now that is something that resonates with me.

I try very hard to improve myself, to have better habits, to be a better husband, father, brother, employee, coach, guide.  I realize that I am a procrastinator and a perfectionist with low self-esteem.  That combination often results in paralysis.  I am afraid to try because I’m afraid it will be wrong so I think a lot and do little.  I struggle to break the bonds of depression.  Some days are good and some not so good.  I battle my internal debates about my faith in God.  Some days I believe, some I don’t, and some I am just stuck in the middle.

I don’t always have the discipline to make a new habit.  I don’t always follow my own advice.  I don’t always maintain my momentum.  I know better but I don’t always do better.

Heal my affliction.  I am repentant and I ask forgiveness.  Every day, please let me find the strength to battle my inner demons, to maintain positive momentum, to continue my road to recovery, to inspire others, to live a full life, to be all that I can be.  Amen.