I, Robot

I’ve been thinking a lot about change.  Over the past few years, I have changed many things about my life.  I started to think positively about myself and my place in the world.  I decided to lose weight and 85 pounds melted away.  I decided to try my hand (well, feet) at running.  I eventually completed a half-marathon.  I wanted to become involved in mental health and now I am on the executive board of NAMI-Cobb, speaking in public and learning to be a support group facilitator.  Change is possible.  Change is achievable.  Change is real.  But I am having trouble sustaining some of these changes.  Sustaining change means developing new habits.  So why am I having trouble with these new habits?

I think part of the problem is that the old habits are comfortable and familiar.  The new habits are outside of my comfort zone and it takes time, effort, and work to keep up with them.  It’s easy to slide backwards.  When it comes to how to spend my time, I feel like I need to schedule my time so I know what I will be doing and when.  Walk before work, exercise after work, write after dinner, read before bed.  I may stick to this for a few days and then I slip.  I think to myself that I don’t want to be a robot, a slave to the clock.  I want to write when I feel like writing, read when I feel like reading.  I reject the idea of being a robot.  I don’t want to do follow a routine.

Well, guess what?  I am following a routine anyway.  I get up in the morning and go to work.  I get home and walk the dog.  I have dinner.  Then I sit in front of the TV, watching something I have probably seen before, with the laptop on my lap.  I keep up with people on Facebook.  I check my email.  Then it’s time for bed.  So I am a robot after all, following my programming each day and wondering when I will be re-programmed.   Unfortunately, Doctor Noonien Soong will not be showing up to change out my chips.  It’s not that easy.

But I have changed my habits before.  I know how to do it.  The program is somewhere in my brain.  I just need to find the motivation to reboot myself.   I just have to find that burning desire and the discipline to make it happen.

Who says I don’t like being a robot?  I am a robot.