I wrote an article a couple of days ago about the music of the birds.  In that article, I mentioned a session from my first hospitalization for depression.  We listened to some Elvis Presley music and talked about what we heard.  I thought it was completely pointless.  However, I was released later that day and never had another chance to participate in such a session

In an article about music therapy, researches have concluded that “combining music therapy with a standard treatment for depression — medication, plus psychotherapy and counseling — improves patient outcomes.  Researchers believe the addition of music therapy allows people to better express their emotions and reflect on their inner feelings”.  In this study, “music therapy” was more active than simply listening to music.  Patients used various drums and other percussion instruments and were allowed to improvise and create their own music. In addition, patients were working with therapists who were trained to use music therapy.  “Music therapy has specific qualities that allow people to express themselves and interact in a non-verbal way – even in situations when they cannot find the words to describe their inner experiences.” (The article can be found at http://psychcentral.com/news/2011/08/04/music-therapy-aids-in-depression-treatment/28357.html.)

Music has such enormous power.  Dr. Oliver Sacks said the following about music.  “Music can lift us out of depression or move us to tears – it is a remedy, a tonic, orange juice for the ear. But for many of my neurological patients, music is even more – it can provide access, even when no medication can, to movement, to speech, to life. For them, music is not a luxury, but a necessity.”

Music has played such an important part of my life.  I played clarinet from the 5th grade through college.  I suppose it is more than a coincidence that I started playing again in the Cobb Wind Symphony after my recovery.

A few years ago, I wrote a song for my children.  The lyrics dealt with my feelings of inadequacy and that I was not a perfect parent.  But the one thing I know that I gave them was the gift of music. The song was called “I Gave You Music”.  I’m glad I did.

 

It’s Saturday morning.  I awoke in the usual manner, with a dry mouth needing water, pain in my shoulders from nagging bursitis, and my doggie doing her “I need to go outside” dance.  This is not going to be a typical Saturday morning.  Instead of going to synagogue for Shabbat services with our friends and congregants, my wife and I will be undertaking a large project – cleaning the house.  So, as I am out walking my doggie, my mind is engaged in thoughts of cleaning out the fireplace, throwing out junk mail, scrubbing, dusting, well, you get the picture.  Not exactly spiritual work but required nonetheless, especially when we will be having my brother and sister-in-law visiting us next week.

Suddenly, while walking the doggie, I hear a sound.  A high-pitched sound with a definite rhythm.  Wait, there is it again.  And again.  I focus on the sound.  It’s coming from above, somewhere in the trees.  Then another sound, a pleasing sound.  Thoughts of the chores of the day begin to leave my conscious mind, being replaced by the joyous music of the birds around me.  I can’t see a single one of them as I gaze up to the trees.  But their music has found me.  I know that their songs are there on other mornings but I don’t always pay attention to it.

As a musician, I have grown up playing music and learning to appreciate it from a technical standpoint as well as an artistic one.  Being analytical, sometimes the technical side stifles the artistic side.  Instead of enjoying the sound, I determine its meter, the key, the changes in time, the ability of the group to recognize phrasing and changes in dynamics.  I remember during my first hospital stay for depression when a group of us were listening to Elvis Presley music as part of our therapy.  I’m not exactly sure how that was supposed to help me but all I could think about was the percussion beat, the bass line, the repetitive nature of the song.  If I was supposed to appreciate the artistry, well, it escaped me.

At first, I was doing the same thing with the bird songs.  I heard the rhythms.  This bird usually sang four chirps in a row, then stopped, then repeated them.  This other bird was singing two at a time.  There were quarter notes, eighth notes, different pitches.  Then I stopped my thought pattern.  I decided to just listen and not dissect it.  I stood there and just let the music in.  Rather than hearing one at a time, the various and unique songs from above became a symphony of sound.  I closed my eyes and imagined the finest musicians playing their individual parts as members of a unified whole whose mission was to create beautiful music.  It was a wonderful experience of the beauty of nature.

The concert is there every day.  Admission is free.  All I have to do is open the door, open my ears, open my mind, open my soul.  Forget about the coming day for a minute or two.  The tasks and chores will still be there.  The weekday commute to work will still be there. The politics of organizations will still be there.

Do you have a minute or two to spare each day to listen to the songs of the birds? If you are depressed, I recommend you attend the concert and let the music in.  If you can’t deal with going outside, open a window and listen.  The birds will sing for you.  They sing for each and every one of us.  All we have to do is listen.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song. – Chinese proverb

 

Many people believe that depression and sadness basically the same.  So when they hear about someone who is rich, famous, and leads a wonderful life, they find it hard to understand how such a person can be depressed.  How can someone be depressed when they have a perfect life?  Fame, fortune, celebrity, and notoriety should be enough to make someone happy.

But depression pays no attention to such things.  It is an equal opportunity illness.  We are all subject to being held in the grips of seemingly endless darkness.  Many celebrities have suffered from depression, including former talk-show host Dick Cavett.  A graduate of Yale and a noted celebrity, Cavett underwent psychoanalysis, medications, and ECT.  In an interview with Psychology Today, Cavett described depression as “The authority of depression is horrifying. I felt like my brain was busted and that I could never feel good again. I really thought that I was never gonna heal”.

Having had a similar experience, I can certainly relate to Cavett’s words.  I was a slave to depression as if it were a malevolent ruler.  It had complete authority over my thoughts, my beliefs, my words, my actions.  It locked me down in a quagmire of complete helplessness and hopelessness.  Sometimes, I could only see one way out and that way was a permanent solution.  I am so fortunate to be able to share my story of recovery and I hope that it will help someone realize that the shackles of depression can be removed.  It takes patience, love, and faith.  I pray that we find a way to rid our world of depression and other mental illnesses.

For the complete Dick Cavett interview, click on http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/two-takes-depression/201104/the-couch-dick-cavett.

 

A recent study concluded that Prozac and Effexor were more effective than placebos in treating depression.  http://news.yahoo.com/study-suggests-overall-benefit-antidepressants-145433200.html

A recent 60 Minutes feature spotlighted Irving Kirsch, who believes that sugar pills work just as effectively in treating depression.

I suppose the real answer is that we just don’t know.  There are so many medications available and they are prescribed based upon the symptoms of each patient.  When I was severely depressed, my doctors tried several drugs, none of which seemed to have any impact on my condition.  Personally, I think treating depression with medications is a crap shoot.  Plus, it is not like you can “take two aspirin and call me in the morning”.  These medications take time to work so you might get worse before you get better.

I believe the biggest problem in treating depression is that we don’t know what causes it.  According to WebMD, the factors which may lead to depression include:

• Abuse. Past physical, sexual, or emotional abuse can cause depression later in life.
• Certain medications. For example, some drugs used to treat high blood pressure, such as beta-blockers or reserpine, can increase your risk of depression.
• Conflict. Depression may result from personal conflicts or disputes with family members or friends.
• Death or a loss. Sadness or grief from the death or loss of a loved one, though natural, can also increase the risk of depression.
• Genetics. A family history of depression may increase the risk. It’s thought that depression is passed genetically from one generation to the next. The exact way this happens, though, is not known.
• Major events. Even good events such as starting a new job, graduating, or getting married can lead to depression. So can moving, losing a job or income, getting divorced, or retiring.
• Other personal problems. Problems such as social isolation due to other mental illnesses or being cast out of a family or social group can lead to depression.
• Serious illnesses. Sometimes depression co-exists with a major illness or is a reaction to the illness.
• Substance abuse. Nearly 30% of people with substance abuse problems also have major or clinical depression.

These are only factors.  But what is the cause?  We don’t have a blood test that detects chemical imbalance.  We can try MAO Inhibitors, SSRIs, and other types of medications.  But treating depression is like randomly selecting wrenches from a tool box until you find the one that does the job.

Research must continue to get to the bottom of depression and other mental illnesses.  We need the right tool for the right job!

“Procrastination is opportunity’s natural assassin.”
― Victor Kiam

I recently read an article by Dr. Bill Knaus called “Defeat Depression and Procrastination Simultaneously – Get up from depression by overcoming procrastination.  http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/science-and-sensibility/201004/defeat-depression-and-procrastination-simultaneously

Dr. Knaus states that “By applying counter-procrastination techniques to depression, you may put yourself on a speedier path to recovery”.  Then Dr. Knaus writes about something he calls a “procrastination barrier”.

Simply stated, we have a conundrum.  One who is depressed tends to care not one iota about goals, time management, or achievements.  A depressed person often passes time by wasting time.  Seeing little hope for the future, a depressed person doesn’t see a way out.  On the other hand, one who procrastinates often does so due to a fear of failure, a fear of success, low self esteem, perfectionism, and the list goes on.  The more a person procrastinates, the more frustrated he or she gets.  The vicious cycle continues and may even lead to depression.  One condition feeds the other.

If you find yourself stuck in the throes of depression and procrastination, Dr. Knaus recommends the following methods:

1. Recognize that depression has correctable features.

2. Accept that depression can feel debilitating. Adjust your sights and start by moving toward progressively mastering techniques to end depression.

3. Make yourself aware of tested tools to deal effectively with depression.

4. Experiment with antidepression activities.

5. Beware of procrastination.

Procrastination is something I am very good at.  If fact, I am a pro at crastination.

 

Today, I was thinking a lot about envy.  As I recall my childhood, I can remember many times when I was envious of other people.  For example, I was envious of the girl in my second grade class who got moved up to the next grade.  I felt like I should have been as well.  I was envious of kids who lived in bigger houses, those who had nice clothes, the “popular” kids.  There were many people who I disliked for one reason or another but it usually came down to jealousy or envy of something I perceived they had which I lacked. Even today, I find myself being envious and then catching myself, realizing that I should be happy for them rather than envious.

Can feelings of envy be linked to depression?  According to Dr. Natalie Reiss, in an article entitled The Nature of Envy, http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=28588&cn=353, envy can have a negative impact on one’s mental and physical health.

“Envy can be a destructive emotion both mentally and physically. Envious people tend to feel hostile, resentful, angry and irritable. Such individuals are also less likely to feel grateful about their positive traits and their circumstances. Envy is also related to depression, anxiety, the development of prejudice, and personal unhappiness.”

“Envious people can feel stressed and overwhelmed. In addition, most people don’t want to hang out with an envious person because they are unpleasant to be around. As a result, envious people have fewer friends overall, as well as fewer friends who will help out in times of need. Worse, when an envious person receives help, she or he tends to feel resentful that assistance was necessary in the first place.”

Some strategies that can help one deal with envy are:

• Catch these envious thougths and correct your thinking
• Distract yourself with other thoughts, realizing that the other person perceived advantage is really not important to you
• Remind yourself of your own positive qualities

A quotation by Saint Thomas Aquinas: “Charity rejoices in our neighbor’s good, while envy grieves over it.”  Think positively, feel gratitude for your gifts, and be happy for other people’s good fortune.  Your time will come too.

Do you watch “Unforgettable” on TV?  This is the show starring Poppy Montgomery, who plays a detective who remembers everything.  One of the consultants to the show is Marilu Henner, the former star on “Taxi”.  Ms. Henner actually has this condition, which is called superior autobiographical memory.  She can instantly remember what she wore on January 22, 1997, the day of the week, what she did that day, and what she had for dinner.

I wonder what that would be like.  Would I want to remember everything, the good and the bad, the bitter and the sweet?  I’m sure that there are things in my past which I am glad to have forgotten. Then again, there are things I have forgotten which I wish I could remember.

People who suffer from depression have a tendency to have a negatively-skewed autobiographical memory.  Our recollection of even positive events tends to focus on the negative things.  I have made a list of some of the things I remember about my childhood and it is amazing how many negative things are on the list.  I’m sure I had a very good childhood.  I had parents who worked hard to take care of me, I had an intelligent older brother who I looked up to, I was intelligent, I was good at music, I was a good baseball player, I had friends.  All in all, a pretty normal life.

Depression seems to have put a cloud of darkness over my memories.  I wonder if this is true for you too.  If you have been battling depression, how do you remember the past?  I would love to hear from you.  Thanks and be well.

There is a song which my daughter used to sing at Camp Ramah.  In English, the lyrics go like this:

The whole world is a very narrow bridge, and the main thing to recall, is not to be afraid at all.

It’s a fun little song to sing but I wonder.  Not to be afraid at all.  Is this possible?  The word “fearless” is often used to describe people who are incredibly brave or people who do amazingly brave things, often giving their lives in the process.  Are these people truly fearless.  Is there such a thing as having no fear?

I recently wrote a blog about evil in which I theorized that, in order to know good, we must know evil.  Evil was created to achieve a balance in the universe.  Just as we have day and night, light and dark, health and sickness, life and death, yin and yang.  To me, the universe is in some state of equilibrium and these opposite forces must exist.  Similarly, I believe me must have fear to know bravery.  From the little butterflies we feel prior to performing on stage to the enormous fear we feel before going into battle in war, we all know fear.  And this fear is often necessary to drive us to perform at our highest levels of capability.

It is how me manage the fear or channel this fear into a useful energy that helps us to succeed.  I once read that Samurai warriors put their fear on the tips of their swords.  Rather than pretend to be fearless or to hide their fear, they put their fear right in front of them.  Without fear, we would not strive, we would not take risks, we would not achieve.

In the Hebrew language, one of the words for fear, which is often used in the Torah, is יִרְאָה .  The gematria numeric value of יִרְאָה  is 216.  The word for courage or might is בוּרָה which also has a value of 216.  The connection between fear and courage is quite apparent.  It is the presence of fear which enables us to rise up with courage and to confront our issue, take intelligent risks, and reach our goals.  It was the fear of losing everything to depression which finally gave me the courage to recover and to thrive.

I started this blog with a little song.  I would like to change the lyrics.

The whole world is a very narrow bridge, and the main thing to recall, is not to let fear keep you from crossing it.  What do you think?

When I was in religious school, it was common for a child’s Hebrew name to be similar to his or her English name.  So Steven was usually named Shmuel or Shlomo.  Robin was usually Rachel.  Linda was often named Leah.  You get the picture.  I had to be different.

My name is Robert so teachers and other students usually guessed that my Hebrew name was Reuven.  Afraid not.  I spent some time and effort every year telling people that my Hebrew name was Sinai,. yes, I said Sinai, yes, like the mountain.  At least nobody else ever had the same name as I did.  Most of my teachers would comment on what an unusual name it was.  I would explain to them that I was named after my godfather’s father.  Since my godfather had no sons, he did not have a way to pass on his father’s name to subsequent generations.  So, in memory of my godfather’s father, I was given his name, Sinai.  I suppose it would have made some sense to give me an English name like Steven or Sam, I was given the name of Robert.  My older brother liked the name Robert so, what the heck?

It is often said that people must grow into their names.  As I think about that, I believe that I am growing into it now, but for the second time.  If you think of Sinai as a mountain that is impossible to climb or as a barrier in your path, then the name fit me perfectly for most of my life.  Many things seemed impossible for me.  Barriers were often in my path.  Most of them were put there by yours truly.  The mountain obstructed my view of the path so I couldn’t even figure out which way I was going.  Depression caused me to stop practically dead in my tracks  I had most certainly grown into my name – a solid mass of rock that was impossible to climb.

In the last few years, I have begun to see the mountain as something different.  No more is it a barrier to me.  Rather it is a challenge.  It is an uphill climb that requires strength, faith, and self-confidence.  The rewards are many once I reach the summit.  I am climbing each and every day as I grow as a person and develop a strong sense of who I am.  I hope you can join me in my ascent.  If feels wonderful to be climbing.

So my unusual Hebrew name has great meaning and importance to me.  Thanks Dad.

When I tell people that I had electroconvulsive therapy, I often get a look of surprise or shock (yes, pun intended).  It’s as if people expect me to suffer some weird after-effect, like maybe I have some uncontrollable twitch from the electricity which is still in my brain.  People generally have either no idea what it is like or they have a complete misconception of what it is like, based on One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.

So what is ECT like?  How does it feel?  What is it like when you wake up in the recovery room?

ECT is like most other procedures where you are anesthetized.  You go to sleep and, a few minutes later, you wake up in the recovery room.  Since you are asleep, you don’t feel anything.  I remember when I woke up, my wife was there with me.  There was another patient in the room and I remember that he slept more than I did.  I never was much of a sleeper.  I watched TV, had something to drink, and I felt fine.  As a matter of fact, I felt better than fine.  The severe depression was gone.  The feeling of hopelessness was missing.  I felt like I was no longer in the darkness, no longer in a fog, no longer confused.  I wanted to have breakfast.  I asked for my electric razor so I could shave which, according to my wife, was the first time all year that I cared about my appearance or hygiene.  I felt alive and I wanted to stay that way.

Did ECT cure my depression?  I would have to say no.  ECT brought me back from the abyss.  It gave me a chance to start again.  I compare it to rebooting a computer.  You know what happens when your computer is processing many things and it stops responding.  It is stuck, confused, trying to handle too many things, getting stressed out.  You try to hit enter, you try to type, but to no avail.  Not responding.  So you hit Control-Alt-Delete (of Force Quit for you Mac fans) and you get to shut it down and restart.  The computer forgets all of that stressful processing and comes back to the life it had known, ready, willing, and able to live again.  It comes back to life but it is not cured.

ECT rebooted my brain and gave me a chance to live again.  But it didn’t change my beliefs or my attitudes. I still had low self-esteem, fear of failure, depression.  But I could function again.

I had ECT about 14 years ago.  But my life really changed in the past 3 years.  It wasn’t until my daughters told me that I had to lose weight and get healthy that I began to change.  With the help of a friend who happens to be a psychologist, I began to understand who I am, how I think, and why I think the way I do.  I learned about positive thinking and did a lot of reading about the brain.  I lost 85 pounds and became a Health Coach with Take Shape For Life.  I began to walk more, then I started running.  At first, I couldn’t run 1/4 mile but I kept trying.  Soon I was running a 5K, then a 10K, then a half-marathon.  Slowly but surely, my mind was able to stretch the limits of possibility.  What at one time was impossible or unimaginable was becoming possible and even achievable.  Now I am working on writing a book to offer hope to those who suffer from depression.  I am taking a wonderful class to learn more about my faith.  I am reading and learning about so many things.  It’s as if I have found a childlike curiosity which was missing from my young life.

I believe that ECT saved my life.  But it didn’t improve my life.  It didn’t make me what I am today.  No, it didn’t do that.  I did that.  Yes, I did that.  I chose to get out of my own way and live.  You know those t-shirts and products that say Life is Good?  I completely disagree with that.  Life is Amazing!